I haven’t written in about a week and it is driving me crazy. I have so much stuff on my mind, thoughts, ideas, revelations, convictions. when i don’t get it out on paper or computer :) I can’t focus on anything, it is all like a jumbled mess in my head.

Something that I was thinking about today, it is one of those mind knows it but heart hasn’t gotten it yet, well my heart is starting to get it! My heart as a woman is to Plan, Prepare, and Preserve my family and our comforts, my heart is to Nest so that I can put all of my eggs in ONE basket. I realize that I spend nearly all my time and thoughts on those things for the hope of finally getting to THAT place, reaching that goal , and then I will live happily ever after. Who told me that? Who promised me that, it is one of those things where we do and believe something that just doesn’t exist.

I believe it is the Flesh. The flesh desires with every little fiber of it’s self to live in and of the world, Our flesh doesn’t care about the cost of anything as long as it is fast and instant, the flesh is willing to risk it all for the temporary.

It drives me crazy to think that I spend so much time on something that will never happen, as a believer and follower in Christ I am not promised to have the easy life, I am promised persecution. Yet when persecution comes I am caught off guard. We are called to an eternal home where there is true rest, and again i find myself seeking those things in this world that is not my home and where i will find no rest.

I can’t even explain the pain that i feel in the cor of my soul, the pain that comes from dieing to the flesh. We are called to die to the only thing that we know to fallow the unknown. What does that look like , I don’t know. Why is God teaching my heart these things, why is He spending so much time on my heart, I don’t know, in fact I am not sure that I am ready to know that one. I can’t explain it and I’m not even sure that i know what I am experiencing, I do know that something is coming , something BIG and I have no idea what that means, but I just know.

Darn i ran out of time, kids are awake, bye!

~C