~Daily Light~                                                  Jan 23 2007

Matt 16:24
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.”

Acts 14:22
 “We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God.”

2 Tim1:12
“For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.”

Romans 5:5
“And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

PS 62:5-6
“My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him, He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved.”

O How God continues to pour out His blinding Truths to me; He over and over again pounds into my heart, “Die to flesh!” Now that is a sting like none other, that is the very definition of dieing to SELF, from much experience now, I realize how that has got to be a minute by minute thing other wise I fail every time. I am extremely thankful that He is watching out for me the way He does, Ha you can tell that He knows me inside and out, YEP, He is defiantly my creator :) I can’t even say enough about the sting of constantly dieing to SELF, I would have to say that it IS the hardest thing I have ever had to do , yeah and the fact that you have to do it over and over again to truly fallow Christ makes it a true war of the wills. It is black and white, if you give in to the world and flesh, you are against God (James 4:4), you deny the world and flesh and you get hit with trials (Acts 14:22).
Ok so I struggle with depression, I have since I was young, Through God pounding in this whole dieing to flesh thing, which is EXTREEMLY important, I am able to understand myself in a whole new light. It is like God is putting my life movie on slow motion, He has been allowing me to see my thought process, He has shown me clearly what happens when I allow myself to think one way,  as well as the other. I know for me with a 100% certainty that depression is a spiritual thing. The fact that I am even saying this shows something crazy is going on here, I have always hid behind my past, and in turn used my past as an excuse for my depression, my depression an excuse to be selfish, also an excuse to only live half way. Because of this depression I have secretly lived as a huge pessimist, therefore never truly having faith in Christ, never truly LIVING. For me, God has shown it to be a choice, not a choice that is easy in the least, the extreme burden of my past will haunt me for all of my life, so it will be a HUGE battle DAILY to choose to live, really Live and not just walk around as a zombie. Knowing the Truth is only half the battle, that other half is dyeing to self, my depression is a desire of my flesh, as crazy as it sounds, I desire to have poor me pity parties, I desire to make it all about me, WOW I have been a good act. Any how, that is the ugly reality of me; I am just a mess as the next. I don’t know all the answers; I just know what God has revealed to me, for me! My hope is that I will never go back to before I was shown the truth, the truth about me, that I will never live a lie , that I will continue to live the life that I am suppose to, no more excuses, boldly facing my fears! I DO KNOW WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED! And the Fight goes on…….
 
That’s me

~C