These past weeks have been really hard and yet the most freeing.

Humility: Coming to God on His terms

“If My people who are called by My name will HUMBLE themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sins and heal their land.” (2 Chron 1:14)

This week the Lord has been greatly humbling this prideful heart within me, using his timeless and timely Word as a giant mirror, exposing all that is unseen and putting it in front of my face. I am not as good as I my heart deceives me to think ( Obadiah 1:3) “If you abide in my Word, you are truly My disciples, and you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32) “Truly , truly, I say to you, EVERYONE who commits sin is a slave to sin.” (John 8:34) The power of Truth is truly powerful!

God is so good and there is none like him. He loves me by saving me, and he saves me by telling me the truth when no other will nor can, he alone allows Truth to dwell within me through His grace, with His rich blessing of humility to guide me rightly to Him, my heart on it’s knees before the thrown of the Almighty God in freedom as He alone heals my land!

O what Love is this

~C

Today Cayla read all on her own for the first time, about 6 short sentences, It was so awesome! I am so so blessed to have such a smart child to start this Home School adventure with, she learns so quickly, it is probably more an encouragement to me then then to her. It just blows me away because I had to go to kindergarten twice, and she is starting kindergarten at a first grade level! Thank you Jesus!

So yeah, I have not posted in forever, it is partly because I have had nothing to share, well, that’s worth sharing any way. I have also been so incredibly busy with these kids of mine, still trying to find a balance some how. Spiritually I have been in a really hard place, my circumstances have not really changed, yet my walk with the Lord has. He is always faithful to me, but it is me who is prone to wonder. I at times forget that his ways are better, always better, and I decide to do what I foolishly think is right, kinda like my 3 and 5 year old often say, “I wanna do what I wanna do”, and yet I am 30.

So after the Lord has allowed me to hit a wall or two or ten, I decide that maybe he is right after all, better late then never , right? So I start to the path of obedience, coming from disobedience, finally allowing doors to close that I have been holding open through my own failing strength, changing my priorities, that have gotten way messed up, and I have just simply stopped, and have been taking a good O’ll look at the reflection in the mirror.

Recently I have went through this amazing study through Psalms 23 with Nancy Leigh Demoss (podcasts), the Lord is MY shepherd! It has been the personal reminder, of who my Lord is to me , that i desperately NEEDED to pull my soul out of the pit I had fallen into. I am so thankful that he alone is my Redeemer, my Savior, my good Shepherd, and he pursues me even when I go my own way, because he loves me.

So today, yeah, today was a good day, the first one in a while, I am so thankful for this day!

I will try to be better about posting, BUT…. my first priority WILL be my kids, so we’ll see, I’ll just say this, If the Lord allows

Even though I may walk through the deep dark valley I shall fear no evil, for you, My God, are with me. Your strength, O Lord, shall be my only comfort. Your goodness and your mercy pursue me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of my Lord forever!

May the Lord be my ONLY vision!

~C

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Email:

Alright, we got the results back yesterday.

The Doctors took us back into the conference room and sat us down, he said, “well you know the mass that I was showing you in the Ultrasound (by the way it was very clear), well we went in and we didn’t find anything, there was nothing in there at all.”. He really had nothing more to say than that, he did want to schedule Cayla in for another Ultrasound, that he wanted to do himself, in a month just to make sure.
Then later the nurse that was with Cayla during all the procedures came in to run us through the different meds that she would need to be taking for recovery, then she said, “Don’t you think that is amazing that they didn’t find anything?” I told her “yes!”, then she started to tear up and said ,”Well I better get out of here before I start crying.” She rushed out, and a few minutes later came back with another popsicle for Cayla with tears still in her eyes. Praise the Lord! Not only was there Nothing found in her bladder, At ALL, but all of the pain and irritation resulting from the testing that we were warned of, was not there, Cayla has had no pain or even discomfort at all!
Thank you for your prayers, God is GOOD, and he healed our baby girl! We love you all!
Feel free to call or e-mail, we would love to share more!

~The Brown Family

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Man I tell you what, I have been so amazied at the Lords goodness and faithfulness to me and to so many around me lately, I do not understand it , I never will, and it coninues to blow me away!

It seems most of the time that  life is to avoid failure, yet it is our failure , the thing we most avoid, that we need most, most of the time . I know that it doesn’t make since, it”s just that every time I fail  I am reminded that I can not avoid it. I don’t mean that I should seek failure, but instead, I should seek in that which does not fail (The Lord), and no longer in what is promised to (me).

How Loving the Lord is that he allows me to try to do it on my own, because it is then that I know for sure that I can not do it on my own. My failures remind me of  how weak my strength really is,  reminds me of my need for him every day!

With Cayla I lost sight of my Savior, I forgot everything that I know to be true of the Lord based in his Word and in ALL that he has done in my life. The fear of loosing Cayla was all I could see and hear. All the little lessons learned are meant to prepare me for the big tests, based on the big tests the Lord knows what I still NEED. It is times of testing , times when I am faced with great pain or great fear, that I will know what my faith is really in.

The amazing part of it all is that no matter what the Lord is good, anyways!

I did not lean on him, I did not put my trust in him, and I did not even have the strength to pray to him. Yet he held me any way, he was Faithful to me any way, and He searched my heart and heard me any way. And the greatest of all was that he healed my sweet Cayla any way. He is Faithful to us because he promised to be, he loves us because he created us, he shows his Mercy and his Grace to us because he can. It is his loving Kindness to me that leads me to repentance, it leads my heart back to his feet, to let it all GO, to surrender it ALL to him, Again!

To HIM be the Glory, for ever and ever!

AMEN!

~C

“Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations

Before the mountains were brought fourth, or ever you had

formed the  earth and world, from everlasting to everlasting

you are God.”

I really don’t think that I can bear to go through all the details again, so if you are reading this and have no clue what i am talking about, feel free to read my husbands blog (training for.. (I have a link to it)), in his last post he did a good job at the details of it all.

So today Cayla goes in for testing.

I have been in denial about the whole thing up until now, I think I am now starting to have trouble with it, reality is starting to sink in. I am struggling with the thought of a bunch of people I do not know, taking my baby girl away from me. I will not know what they will be doing to her, I can’t protect her, I can’t  keep her safe. I will have to trust strangers with the very life of my baby today, now in my mind i know that in all reality it will not be mear man that i will need to trust in today, but in an almighty loving creator God, but I can’t seem to escape this rising fear deep with in my heart.

Ever since she took her first breath on April 23 2004, i have labored to keep her safe. I have always been on guard of those in her life to make sure they are of no threat to her safety. Horrible things happened to me as a little girl growing up, so trust has been a life long battle for me, from the early age of 3 and 4 years old I became aware that this world is a dark place and I was not safe with in it. I  have seen and experienced some of the ugliest of this world, I never want my children to see or to know what i have seen and known. I have done everything with in my strength to keep my babies safe and to make sure they feel safe. But today I am forced to let it all go.

Not only will Cayla be taken from me but I will have to leave Cadence behind, it is times like these that I realize how worldly I still  am, how much I still trust in my own strength, and how much more I still have yet to hand over to the Lord. I know that this life in Christ Jesus is a lifelong process of SURRENDERING to him, EVERYTHING into his hands, this is the one thing that i do not want to surrender.

So today is and will be a great day of testing for me.

Since moving to Tennessee we have been living in constant testing, the Lord has been testing us on the same thing every time, TRUST. To trust him with our location (moving here) , with the family we have had to leave behind, with our friends, with finances, with provision, with Church, with our marriage. Now with most of those trust and surrender seemed to come a little sooner, I was able to let go of a little easier, now all of them were hard in it’s time of testing but i think you understand what I mean, some things are just harder then others.

To truly Trust someone is to entrust that which is MOST dear to you, into the hands of another, and for me it’s my kids. Now of course I will have to let Cayla go with these doctors, that will not be the test, the test will not be biased on what I physically let go of, what i choose to do with my hands and feet, but he will be testing my heart. He will search my heart and see if their  be any wicked way with in it, any evil unbelief.

it is times like these in where you truly see the split of heart and mind, and of spirit and flesh, my mind knows the righteous way to go, but my heart is  deceitful, my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. I know in my mind, that the same loving God who rescued me from the slavery of fear, and of sin and death, is the very same God who will be with my babies when i can not. I hope and pray that my heart will surrender to the Lord when I have to let her go. The Good Lord will do what he is going to do , with or with out me, the question is am I going to fight it and miss out on God’s great blessing of strengthened faith , or will I give it all to him, truly rest in him, trust in him and be blown away by his faithfulness?

Here I go…..

The mediation of my heart will be on Psalms 90:1-2, and all of Psalms 91, TODAY!

~C

This summer it will be 3 years!

Three years ago I reached my breaking point, you that place where you reach the very end of your self and you realize that you have gained NOTHING!It’s where you take that honest look at yourself, and all that your life adds up to, and instead of adding up to something it just loops back around to the same place you have really always been, your whole life. Sure my circumstances look a little different, I was now married and had two children and a dog at the time. And yeah, along the way, through knowing  basic bible morality, I changed a few behaviors. I stopped the party lifestyle, I stopped cursing, I stopped listening to bad music, but underneath it all I was still the very same person. I had become a white washed tomb, I looked the part, different, new in fact, but there was still that same rotting corps with in the tomb.

I was still angry and bitter at so many people, so much hate. I still despised all authority in my life, especially men, they were foolish and I was all wisdom and understanding, so I thought. Fear enslaved me and I worshiped it by my constant worry, and doubt, meditating on it’s lies and proclaiming it’s authority in my life by” I can’t” or “I won’t”. The only truth i knew was no truth at all, for this truth did not set me free.

I remember that i was never sure of my salvation, every time the pastor would give the invitation, “sinners Prayer”, I would say it just in case, believing salvation was in those words. I was never sure because my thoughts did not match God’s thoughts, I did not desire to read the Word or do really anything with in it, so I couldn’t help but to wonder if I was missing something. Why does my life not match? I would wonder all to often.

You know sometimes i just need to look back and remember, to remember my Egypt from which i was rescued. The evil Egypt and it wicked ruler whom enslaved my soul to sin, tormenting me day and night with “your to much” yet “your not enough”. I need to remember how awful it was so I will not be deceived to  return there again. I need to remember my Savior and all of the many chains he has broken, from small to big, and how sweet this freedom is that I have been given. Even when I am struggling (like now) there is peace and assurance, Even when I hurt inside there is no sting, When sorrow comes I feel and all consuming Love.

What happened? What was it that changed, that took me from a white washed tomb, to abundant life, born again?

True Repentance happened!

I can NOT say that it was  anything of my doing,for it truly was not,  it is truly a gift that he keeps on giving. I can not change my heart, he alone has the power to soften a hard a heart.

One morning I woke up at like 5 am and could not sleep, it was another night of tormenting nightmares, so i decided to stay awake. I went into the living room to try and drown out the awful dream with worship music, hoping it would be the fix. Then this song started to play, and I was strangely drawn to it, it said:

Lord I know if I change my mind

You will change my heart in time

Sovereign Lord this times from you

So I sit in the waiting room of silence

Cause it’s all about you

Now I am fully hooked, it was like the Lord was speaking directly to me through this song, I did not feel alone.

I will run when i can not walk

I will sing when there is no song

I will pray when there is no prayer

I will listen when I can not hear

Sitting in the waiting room of silence

Waiting for that still soft voice I know

Offering my words up to the roof top to your heart

Trusting that this closet is where you are.

I will fight when i can not feel

I will trust when you don’t seem real

I will tell when i can not speak

I will step when i can not see

Everything with in that song was everything i have never done or known. I don’t know , something just snapped, I believe the Lord broke me. All the sudden it was like some one said that it was ok for me to do things outside of what i feel. The very first thing I heard was “read my word”, so here I am at 5am searching for a bible and then I came across the little black book. I opened it up and it was a devotional of just straight scripture, something to read for each day, called daily light. My Mom had given it to me 6 months earlier when she had come to visit. So I opened it up and started to read, it didn’t really mean anything to me, but I made a choice to do it any way. In fact that morning I made a choice to wake up early every day , no matter what, no matter how i feel and just read this little book, even if just for 5 min, and just TRUST. It started out as a dreaded thing and has become my desire, I look forward to that time every day. It started as just 5 min and has blossomed into 2 and 3 hours. There is this crazy hunger and thirst for God’s word that is deep with in me, and I can not get enough, I can not describe it any other way. It has become all consuming.

It went from have to , to GET TO!

So right now as I am listening to Shane Barnard, The waiting room, now in a new place with the Lord, I can say with full assurance and all confidence that i know these word s to be TRUE.

If you change your mind , Trusting in the Lord, he is faithful to change your heart, in time!

Heb 3:15

“Today, If you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”

Heb 4:11-13

“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.For the word of God is living and active, sharper that any two edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him whom we must give account.”

The power of God’s word lived out in a persons life is greater then anything I have ever experienced or witnessed.

James 1:22, 25

“But be doers of the word, and not hears only, deceiving yourselves.”

“The one who looks into the perfect Law, the Law of liberty, and preservers, being no hearer who forgets. But a doer who acts, he will be blessed his doing.”

And the blessing for me has been this:

He changed my heart, in time!

Out of the abundance of my heart my mouth speaks and my body moves! God is good , and I will continue to trust him even when I don’t feel like it, he is my Savior every day! Taste and see the goodness of the Lord!

~C

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Shane+Barnard/track/Waiting+Room

O how far I am from from where I so Long to be.

I am so tired of stumbling over this sinful flesh of mine.  It seems that no matter how close I get to the Lord, no matter how blown away I am at his almighty power and Love, no mater what all I have seen and heard, and no matter how many times he softens this hard heart, I can not escape my fallenness. How I long to be FREE from it!  Wall after wall is built and torn down, built up and torn down, again! Everything within me desires the day this flesh is gone!

Yet another day for yet another wall to be torn down.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way

everlasting!”

Yet another day to surrender more and more, letting go of the sin that so easily entangles, Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith!

At least I know, that no matter what, God is Good,  he loves me, and will never leave me as I am. Praise the Lord for that!!

~C