Sunday God moved me to my very core, He began a work in my heart starting with The overwhelming Beauty in His Sunrise. The power that He displayed Sunday morning was breath taking, I found myself with out words to even describe it. A few hours later we arrived at Church, and He was there waiting for me, He had something in mind that I was unaware of. His plan was to clean house, and to get rid of some very unwanted baggage that was stored up in my heart, in the secret places.

During the service a man was extremely vulnerable and bold by sharing a sin that had consumed his life for a number of years, he shared Christ in and through that Journey.He was Real, Honest, Bold, and Fearless. Hearing his testimony moved something in my soul.

I am and always have been a runner, I have ran away from anything that was ever hard in my life, any challenge, and fight , well anything that was worth fighting for. I have ran from anyone and everyone that was or is close to my heart, never really letting them in, you know really in. I run from Physical touch because of sexual abuse that pierced me a a child, I realize that I really hide behind that. I run from my husband because of the Fear that he might brake my heart, so I keep him a t a SAFE distance. The biggest thing that I run from is MYSELF. I worry that I’m just not good enough, no one could or would EVER like who I really am, you know the one who God created. Therefore since i run from Myself, I even more, run from God, never really letting Him use me, my gifting , my talent’s, my abilities, my hopes, my thoughts, and even more my DREAMS.

I have spent my entire life backing up and re-enforcing all the lies that were beat upon me as a child, over time they became my truth, in the end loosing me to the worlds standard of me. It was That standard that i rose to, or in TRUE reality , fell to. My whole life, 27 years, I have been living only half way, loving half way, being only half of who i really am. I think that the best part of me is the part that still has yet to be lived. I have let people decide for me what I am capable of, I have put all of my strength and hope on their thoughts of me or lack there of. If my husband , who is my dearest love and greatest fan, doesn’t see in me what i feel that God sees in me, then I crumble, it must not be true. I have spent my whole life putting way to much responsibility and hope on PEOPLE, as if they are the one who knows me inside and out, as if they are my creator and knows who I really am under the lies layered high.

So yes, I have been a runner my entire life, I have been aware of it for only about a year. “knowing is half the battle, ” like they say, but what about that other half? What can i do with this knowledge, what power do i have, what do i do? I have wondered these things , fearing that one day the rest of this battle would be revealed. Knowing that when that day comes that I would have to make a really hard choice, probably the biggest choice. That choice would be to choose the lies that I have lived with my entire life and have, in a sick way, found some kind of comfort in them. Or it would be to choose Jesus, ME, and that plan that God has for me. to stop running, to turn and face it head on and FIGHT with boldness and TRUTH. Well that day has come!

Brian shared something Huge and ugly that he allowed to run his life , a big sin for him that had created walls and division in his heart. He shared how Truth and Boldness had freed his heart from the chains that weighed him down, kept him from moving, and growing. He shared how the truth and the boldness in that truth set him truly FREE. The freedom for him began when he spoke his sin, he spoke out of the thing that had kept him from being who he really was deep inside.

At the end of that morning service and him sharing his testimony to freedom, he offered a place for us to share the chains that tie us down and keep us grounded. They put pin and paper down on the floor of the stage and offered to us freedom, to write down on that paper the secret things that control our life, the things we want to stop running from. To let that go, to let it go to God and start living, living LOUD for Him. I knew that in that moment , the very moment that the words left his mouth that this was it, decision day. Do I choose God , my beautiful Creator and Father, or do i choose the comfort of my chains? It was not an easy choice, I fought with it for several minutes, and just when the chains seemed to lock down on me once again, I said NO, and stood up. I walked to the front, grabbed a pin and paper and got down on my knees. I began to brake down, and brake off the chains. I started to grieve the loss of life lived and wasted time, At what I had NOT done, even more I grieved at the realization that i have denied my Father, Creator and First Love. And to think that he still loves me and He still wants… ME.

With Boldness I chose to FIGHT, pin in hand I write out on the small piece of paper what i will no longer live by, what I will no longer let have control over me any more.

F E A R

I will Fight you with all that i have, My God will be my strength. I will face you head on with boldness and TRUTH! No longer will you chain me to the ground, i will live the life that was created for me to live. I will be free, I choose FREEDOM, I choose Jesus, I choose ME, the real me! I will SAY, and I will DO! FREEDOM is here!!!

~C