Friend in Friend

So during my quiet time yesterday, thoughts kept rolling through my mind, thoughts of who I am, who I was, and who I will be one day. I tell you what, in these past 4 months God has been more real to me than He ever has, His voice on my heart has become louder, and His written word has truly come a live to me in crazy ways. So as I was reflecting a bit on me and my heart, and the amazing transformation and reconstruction that is taking place, When I heard God telling a story:

Simply Breathe taking

Jan 28^th 2007

Ok, so I am going into this entry with nothing particular on my mind, which is crazy because there have been so many things at work in my heart this weekend. I think the craziness of it all has me speechless, I guess I don’t really know how to put it all into words, so I think it will be interesting to see where I end up with this , what will come up.

I have not been able to watch God paint the sky in weeks, it has been the weather, it has been my children waking up to early, or my husband has had to leave for work early to catch up on hours. I have found myself having to wake up earlier and earlier to have a decent quiet time, but I guess that is what it is all about, right?! I guess it is about making the very best of what you are given, that includes quiet time. Any how, I guess it was my sweet reward Saturday morning, I so enjoyed every breath taking moment. (Picture above)

I am sure most would think the way I speak of my Lord and our relationship as strange; I have come to a place with Him where it sounds crazy to think any thing less. It is nothing that can be explained, for my experience is so much different then the next, yet surprisingly very much the same. The relationship is personal to my heart and the way it was formed, it is detailed to every happiness, to every heartbreak, to every devastation, to every Joy that I have experienced. It is sensitive to the baggage that I carry, to the chains that I still have yet to discover, it is everything that I am not, yet everything that I have hoped to be through Christ, HA, and it is only the beginning.

To think that I, a woman who has been scared from head to toe, beat upon by the very ugliest that the world has to offer, a woman who was left for dead , with no hope , not even a breath left. A woman who was colder than the ridged wind in the depth of winter, who’s heart was chained and bared, never to be opened by the strength and heart of mankind. Wow, to think that what I once was, is NO more, and will never be! I am completely overwhelmed at the work that has been done in my soul, my heart, and yes it is just the beginning.

Yes my journey to the creator looks different, but really it is the same, it is a journey, a story of a tortured soul set free by the very strength of the Heavens poured out through Christ’s grand Love. It is a story of a walk through a great and dangerous land, it’s about enemies it’s about allies, it is about defeat and it is about triumph. It is all about choices and obedience, it is about heart and the complete opening of that heart until there is not a hiding place in site. It is about falling in Love with the one who first loved; it is about desperately seeking His story and listening with all your soul. It is about telling His story, with the passion of your life lived out loud. It is so about the goal, reaching the end of the Journey, coming HOME!

It has been only 8 short months since I first started this journey, the Journey to Freedom, to my lord and my Great Love. I t has only been 10 short months that I have faithfully met with Him early in the morning, only 10 months of Him starting my day with a whisper, a shout, a word, a book, a song, and even a beautiful sunrise. O how that choice has changed my life, in fact it is not a choice any longer, but more an honor and an amazing opportunity to meet with the one who ha stolen my heart, who rescued me from the death of this world, the very one who is healing me with the power of Love. To even speak words of what He has done takes my breathe away, and it overwhelms me with tears of Joy. I could go on forever of course, but I think I will stop and just simply enjoy this moment. Thank You , I really do thank You.

*That’s what was in there waiting to come out I guess J

~C

~Daily Light~                                                  Jan 23 2007

Matt 16:24
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.”

Acts 14:22
 “We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God.”

2 Tim1:12
“For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.”

PS 62:5-6
“My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him, He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved.”

O How God continues to pour out His blinding Truths to me; He over and over again pounds into my heart, “Die to flesh!” Now that is a sting like none other, that is the very definition of dieing to SELF, from much experience now, I realize how that has got to be a minute by minute thing other wise I fail every time. I am extremely thankful that He is watching out for me the way He does, Ha you can tell that He knows me inside and out, YEP, He is defiantly my creator I can’t even say enough about the sting of constantly dieing to SELF, I would have to say that it IS the hardest thing I have ever had to do , yeah and the fact that you have to do it over and over again to truly fallow Christ makes it a true war of the wills. It is black and white, if you give in to the world and flesh, you are against God (James 4:4), you deny the world and flesh and you get hit with trials (Acts 14:22).
Ok so I struggle with depression, I have since I was young, Through God pounding in this whole dieing to flesh thing, which is EXTREEMLY important, I am able to understand myself in a whole new light. It is like God is putting my life movie on slow motion, He has been allowing me to see my thought process, He has shown me clearly what happens when I allow myself to think one way,  as well as the other. I know for me with a 100% certainty that depression is a spiritual thing. The fact that I am even saying this shows something crazy is going on here, I have always hid behind my past, and in turn used my past as an excuse for my depression, my depression an excuse to be selfish, also an excuse to only live half way. Because of this depression I have secretly lived as a huge pessimist, therefore never truly having faith in Christ, never truly LIVING. For me, God has shown it to be a choice, not a choice that is easy in the least, the extreme burden of my past will haunt me for all of my life, so it will be a HUGE battle DAILY to choose to live, really Live and not just walk around as a zombie. Knowing the Truth is only half the battle, that other half is dyeing to self, my depression is a desire of my flesh, as crazy as it sounds, I desire to have poor me pity parties, I desire to make it all about me, WOW I have been a good act. Any how, that is the ugly reality of me; I am just a mess as the next. I don’t know all the answers; I just know what God has revealed to me, for me! My hope is that I will never go back to before I was shown the truth, the truth about me, that I will never live a lie , that I will continue to live the life that I am suppose to, no more excuses, boldly facing my fears! I DO KNOW WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED! And the Fight goes on…….
 
That’s me

~C 

Last night was a tough night for me, well it was really in the morning, it all started at around 4am until I got up at 6am. I had this horribly real dream, in my dream Josh had come to me and told me that he had feelings for someone else, another woman. Then there was a long played out drama that fallowed, and seemed to go on forever, by the end of it all I was pretty devastated. I was woken by Josh’s alarm going off, it took me a while to realize that everything that had just happened was a nightmare, and NOT real. After taking a few minutes to recover, I went to Josh and told him, and he did exactly what I needed, he just loved on me.

It is crazy how dreams like that can effect us, yes I eventually come to the point of realizing that it is what it is, a dream, and that there is NO reality to it. However I find myself wounded from it, it is like a small part of that dream stays in my heart, acting like an infection that will spread through out, unless I stop it right away. I know that the Truth is the ONLY cure to its spreading, and infecting my entire heart.

The truth is that this was a low blow from the enemy, he knows my past, and he knows that nearly every man that has played a role in my life has taught me that men will hurt me DEEPLY. He also knows that Josh IS the only man that has taught me differently, Josh in my life is such a huge threat to the enemy. Truth is that Josh loves me; I know this because he tells me over and over again everyday, and even more so, he shows me. He show me by the way I see him looking at me when he doesn’t know  I’m watching, by the way he faithfully prays for me when I am under attack or brokenhearted. I know that Josh loves me because he loves the Lord, and he allows HIM to lead. He shows me that he loves me the most by choosing ME over any situation, through any trial, above all circumstances. That is how I know.

The fact is that any time I am doing God’s will, God’s work, and under God’s training, I am becoming powerful through a relationship with the creator of ALL, there is NOTHING more powerful than that. I choose to stay right where i am, side by side with my Lord, I choose to be powerful through His Love and our ever growing relationship. I am choosing Truth today, So YOU LOOSE, and you know exactly who you are! The victory will be mine in and through Christ’s strength!

~C

Last night something crazy happened, I saw spiritual warfare at work, Let me say it again I SAW Spiritual Warfare. It was in the middle of the night, I was in a deep sleep and having the most beautiful dream. I dreamt that I was painting this mural of all sorts of things, it was HUGE, it was at the top of this grand room that stood around 12 ft high, the painting rapped around the top of the entire room, it was full of many colors and detailed to perfection.  After the massive painting was complete, it was breath taking, it was the finest thing that I had ever dreamed that could be done through my hand, but there was something not right, something missing. I looked over and saw one can of paint sitting on the floor, unopened, I reached down and picked it up and opened it. I t was clear, it looked as if it was just water, but there was this nudge on my heart to think bigger that it ’s appearance, for this was a special paint. So with my bare hand I reached in to the can and cupped a hand full of this clear paint, with great strength I launched the paint into the air on to the painting. There was something very special about this paint, magical even, every part of the painting that was touched by this clear paint begins to come to life, it was truly amazing, what a sight to see.  With a passion that I had never had before i began to cover every inch of this painting with this special paint until the entire painting was now alive and in it’s true beauty. But it was not over; there was something important, very important still to come. I don’t know what it is, I just had this feeling all through out my body, you know, like the feeling that you get when the Spirit is moving in you and moving fast, a sort of weightless breathtaking feeling. Right as the moment  was about to happen, I could feel my heart begin to race, thinking ,could I even handle the weight of what was about to be done?

CRASH!!!

Instantly I woke out of my beautiful dream world in to the cold reality of my room. It was crazy, with out even a second thought I knew what it was, what had just happened, it was my painting. Josh and i both startled out of our sleep, sat up quickly, we looked at each other in stunned silence. “There, it’s the painting,” I whispered pointing to the wall. He looked at me with great confusion, still half a sleep. Again I say, “There, the painting, the one that was up there,” pointing again to the empty spot on the wall that one of my painting once sat. After taking a moment to figure it out, he got up and looked down right below the empty spot on the wall, and there it was. There it lay; face down on top of a blanket that covered the opening of my son’s bed. The blanket, still stretched out tightly across the top of the playpen, as if it was an angel protecting him while he lay sleeping.

Josh and I shared the same thought for a moment, as we took in a deep breath, thinking of how blessed we are that the blanket was there to brake the fall of the heavy painting, yet we found ourselves taken back by the fact that the blanket was still in tact. A few moments later, after we had snuggled back into the comfort of our warm down blanket and soft pillow, I was reminded of the dream, so I quickly rolled over and taped Josh on the shoulder. “Josh!” I said, “I gotta tell you something,” then i began to briefly tell him of the dream that I was having, and sharing of how crazy all this was. However we both were still in a sort of La La land, a place that rests some where between dream world and reality, so our thoughts couldn’t go much further as we were both drawn back to in to our warm peaceful sleep.

I woke up bright and early at 6:30am, well it was a little late for me but I was just so tired. So as I began to get up and start my morning I was drawn back to what had taken place last night. I started thinking of all the details, like the fact that there is no way that painting could have fell on its own. That painting had been sitting there, in that very spot for weeks. It was leaning against the wall, it would of had to been pushed or pulled, it was about 5 ft above Cadence’s bed and 2 ft away, so Cadence couldn’t have done it. Any how I am still going over everything, you know trying to make since of it all, there have to be an explanation. And then I remembered of the book that I started reading last night, Waking The Dead,  it is all about Spiritual Warfare, I had gotten to the second chapter, which by then had covered some pretty threatening things to the enemy, I am sure.

Any how, the kids are awake and calling for me so my time this morning is up.

~That’s what’s going on

~C

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Funny, I had some really amazing grapes this morning with my coffee, and I found my eye drawn to the grapes. I looked at them, their every little detail, from the fruit to the short branches that the fruit is connected. Then there was the vine, I noticed that you could hardly see the vine because of all the yummy fruit.  John 15:5 came to my mind, it says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” it really is so crazy how every aspect of the the grapes, branch, and vine reflect  how Christ is with us. Christ is the Vine , like He has said, we are the branch, also as He said. But  the grape it’s self is where it all comes together, The grape is where His beauty  is introduced to the world. The grape is what draws us in, there is something alluring about the color the shape and the fragrance. For me I am drawn to them because it is something that I have tasted, I know of that sweet taste. However I do approach each one with caution  because I know that not all of them are sweet, some are rotten , some are even sour.  Just because it’s fruit doesn’t mean that they will all be good.

So all of that grape thought got me thinking some more,about Christ in my life, my Vine. What kind of fruit do I offer to the ones around me , to the world? Am I sweet, am I sour, or am I rotten? Do I draw people to God through His beauty in me, am I really seeking to do that in the core of my heart? Hummmm…………………….. I guess I don’t know  right off, I think that I really need to evaluate everything I do ,say, think, and believe. I can’t wait to see what i find!

Just a Thought

~C

Sorry , I know that the lighting in the picture is bad but there it is. The picture was taken as I was preparing for worship, it was a great experience, and i would gladly do it again.

~C

It is a GREAT Morning, a Beautiful morning, God’s Beauty was dancing all over the sky this morning.

Yesterday Morning I shared some things that were on my heart, some things that were brought up because of the AWESOME message that God spoke to my heart through Jammie Sunday Morning. Some how I erased it ALL, that is probably the most annoying thing ever, but that is a risk that i take Journaling on the computer.
Any how the message was about the relationships in our lives, and how we all have a story to tell, and the importance of telling our story , but even more , to hear the stories of others. Hearing and telling our stories brakes through the shallowness that most relationships get stuck in. Sharing our stories brings depth and a realness to friendships, it softens cold hardened hearts, it invites compassion, and offers LOVE.
So the message got me thinking to the relationships that i have in my life, and I was really shocked at how many shallow relationships that i have. So I had to ask the question, WHY? I think that it has all to do with FEAR, once again the fear that I have chosen to live by for so long has shown it’s ugly face. No more fear for me!
For the past month God has really put my Mother on my heart, and He has spoke it loud and clear through EVERYTHING! I have kinda just put it off, not because I don’t love my Mother or because she is not important to me, but because I think that I fear rejection from my Mother more that any one. I have been wounded by my Mother as a child and as a young woman, which I have forgiven, but the fear still seems to linger. As a daughter I will alway love my Mother and for that reason she will always have huge impact on my heart. ————————————————————————————————————————————++++
The final kick in the butt for me was Michelle and her Mother. Michelle is a beautiful friend that I would one day love to know in a deeper way. Her Mother passed away Saturday evening from breast Cancer, It was such a short battle, they only knew of the cancer for about 3 or 4 months. Michelle allowed me, along with several other women, to walk out this journey with her. I prayed for her and her Mother, and I cried for them all through out. Yesterday the final e-mail came, it crushed me to the deepest part of me, I tried to think of what Michelle must be feeling, what she must be going through. Her mother was only in her 50’s, her life was still so young. I realized that God was in that experience for me, He lovingly showed me that life is so short, it was like getting a second chance with my Mother.
So yesterday I sent my Mother an e-mail, I asked for her to tell me her story. I have no idea how she will respond, or if she would even want to share her story with me, but it is the first step to a deeper relationship with one of the most influential people in my life. It is also another opportunity to face my fear and squash it out of my life.

~C

This Sunday will be my first opportunity to face my fear head on.

I decided to stop running from Fear on Sunday, and face me, and my life , and all the challenges that it brings. I chose to Fight in the battle that lay before me and come fourth as victorious! 
I am an Artist, Wow , there i said it. I have never really been able to call myself an artist because i have never felt that anything i create is any good or worth calling art. I have always feared being put up next to amazingly gifted artist and falling WAY short. It is crazy to think that in my greatest strength (art & creativity) the enemy has kept me a prisoner, the greatest fear I have is to be vulnerable with my art. That is the very place that i should fly, that I should be known for, that i should reach others through. Someone the other day came up to me and said that they saw my web site and were shocked because they didn’t know that I was an artist. Wow, I guess i didn’t realize it but I have been hiding something Amazing that God has given me, Why have i been so ashamed of something so beautiful? that got me thinking back to a quote that Josh shared with me the other day from his book Wild At Heart

“Where a man’s wound is, that is where his genius will be…….because the wound was given in the place of your true strength, as an effort to take you out.”

That makes since to me now
Art has been the one place of True freedom, when i am in creative thought , putting it on to paper or canvas, I don’t know it is like i am flying or something. When I have not done anything,for weeks or months even,I have noticed that that is when i really struggle with depression. By not not living out my gifts and talents is like denying God, and what he has created. When I think about it that way it is no wonder that I struggled with depression, the spirit in me can not possibly be at peace when I am denying God.

That is what is on my heart today!

Sunday God moved me to my very core, He began a work in my heart starting with The overwhelming Beauty in His Sunrise. The power that He displayed Sunday morning was breath taking, I found myself with out words to even describe it. A few hours later we arrived at Church, and He was there waiting for me, He had something in mind that I was unaware of. His plan was to clean house, and to get rid of some very unwanted baggage that was stored up in my heart, in the secret places.

F E A R

I will Fight you with all that i have, My God will be my strength. I will face you head on with boldness and TRUTH! No longer will you chain me to the ground, i will live the life that was created for me to live. I will be free, I choose FREEDOM, I choose Jesus, I choose ME, the real me! I will SAY, and I will DO! FREEDOM is here!!!

~C