Part two:  A Heart Recovery                                  March 23 2007

 

 

It was a perfect spring day, the smell of life was moving in the air, stirred up by a distant approaching storm. The sun was popping in and out from behind the ever changing clowds. For a moment I let my mind wonder off in to the beautiful secret place of my heart, the place where Hope lived. It was a place where the princess was free to sing her heart out to the whole world; it was a place where the prince was the greatest strength in all the land, and where the evil blood thirsty dragon had been slain, never alive again to kill the heart of hope. This place was freedom, and a place where for a moment I could pretend that things were different, that things were still deep down good.

 

“Thump, thump……..Thump, thump………Thump, thump.”

His strong heart beat pounded against my ear as I lay on his side. He was a warm and gentle strength, soft with beautiful golden locks that flowed down his back. He was always so quiet, and would listen to all of my silly dreams; he longed to be with me every moment of the day. He loved me deeply and would gladly give his life for me if it was needed to be given. His name was Barney; he was thirteen years old, my dearest and most trusted friend, also the loyal family pet, a beautiful golden retriever.

 

“Barney, do you ever just wish that you could fly?” I asked, not really expecting an answer. “Wouldn’t that be so cool if we could be birds instead, you and I, I bet we would have so much fun? Sometimes I just wish that I could just fly away some where, you know like the mountains or something, just be Free.”

 

It was so beautiful and peaceful just laying there, trying to make out what the clouds were saying with their shapes. It was quiet times like this that seemed to make the deep ache of my heart go away, for just a moment. It was in that silent stillness that life made since and everything felt just right.

 

The wind was beginning to pick up now, the clouds had just consumed the last little bit of the open sky. The wild birds began to scatter in the air, flying about aimlessly; the trees were swaying back and fourth as if rocking their huge bodies to a beautiful song. Looking into the endless grey of this storm, I could feel a presence of some kind, something that was incredibly powerful, something that was far greater that me and even this mysterious storm that was about to hit. I could feel eyes watching my every thought, searching my soul for who I was and why I was here. It almost felt as if we, this presence and I, began to share our hearts with deep breaths, and gusts of wind, each taking in what the other was offering. I soon began to feel comforted, like I was in the very arms of Love. I didn’t understand what was happening or what this presence was, but I wanted it and I needed it, so I laid there for a while longer soaking up all that I could, telling my heart to never forget.

 

Now I was only about ten or eleven on that beautiful spring day, a dear memory that I hold tight to, I didn’t realize at the time but that presence that I felt in the midst of that mysterious storm was the very presence of God. He was making Himself known to my soul; He was beginning to romance my heart to His freedom. Ever since that I now find myself pausing, being taken back by the detailed beauty of His creation. I don’t know, there is just something about it that comforts me and gives me rest, momentarily restoring what the world has stolen. In those moments of true peace and rest, the entire world seems to stop and melt away. My heart doesn’t hurt any more; evil things no longer exist to torment my young soul. It is just me and this beautiful Loving God that sees something in me that the world can not.

 

I have always had this painful ache deep in the very center of my heart, a giant hole that one by one my hopes, dreams, and joys would slip into. I had always believed that this painful ache was created by life’s circumstances, it was because I wasn’t loved by the ones I so desperately wanted and needed it from, or it was because I was beaten often and for no good reason, or maybe it was because men had stolen my innocence growing up as a young child, and as a young girl, and even as a young woman. I thought, very recently, that if I stopped running from my past and just go back to these wounds and confront them head on one by one as they come, then surly the hole would begin to heal and close up.  I just wanted so badly for this ache to go away, and for my heart to be free from this torment so that I might have some kind of peace.

 

So with my dear sweet friend Amber at my side , supporting me , walking out this painful journey into the darkness of my past, I went back to where I believed the ache   began……

 

I was very young, all of four years old, an innocent little girl, and I loved getting into trouble with my partner in crime, my three year old little sister Leslie. I loved exploring the endless wonders of the magical place called the Kitchen. It was crazy, there were fun and tasty treasures behind each door, but I couldn’t do it alone because it was often guarded by a dangerous dragon, this dragon was a giant and something to be greatly feared, this dragon’s name was MOM! I needed a look out person, and my sister was the best in town, and she just so happened to live in the same room with me, so it was a perfect fit, we were meant to be.  We would wait until the dangerous beast would slip off into it’s dungeon to sleep, then and only then would we set out for our hunt. Like quiet little mice we would sneak in, search behind the doors, eat a little and save a little to take bask to our room for later, leaving a messy little trail , evidence of our presence behind. Every night was dangerous, yet an exciting adventure that we eagerly a waited. How ever there was one night that changed everything, it changed my sweet little innocent heart and how I saw the world, and everyone in it. My Mother (not really a dragon) took us with her to visit some friends, I don’t remember who these people were and what we did that day, but I remember what happened that dark night. It was getting late and my Mom decided to stay the night, so we all snuggled into one queen size bed together and quickly drifted off into a sweet slumber. At some point in the middle of the night a man snuck into our room, he managed to pull my sister and I out of the bed with out even waking my mother from her sleep.  Now I won’t go into the details because it really isn’t important, but what did happen that night changed me and I am sure my sister as well.

 

So I went back to that painful and fearful memory searching for something, looking for that part of me that was taken by evil, but I couldn’t find it. I looked so hard, spending many days and nights crying, but nothing, the hole is still there. So then I started to think that I just needed to go deeper, I needed to go back to each wound and once I had them all in my face screaming back at me, braking me down , that there is where I will find my answer to this hole and deep ache. So I went back to my Uncle who molested me at age 7-9, this wound was especially painful because he still to this day denies that it ever happened and most on that side of the family believe him. Then there was my parents friend, our daycare ladies husband, also a solid Godly man of our church at the time, this was a one time thing that just confirmed that I was worthless and only good for one thing, as well beating it into my heart that men will always hurt me. There were a few more wounds inflicted in the same way, but I won’t mention them because they hit very close to home.  So there it is, they are all now screaming at me, shouting lies that the enemy had hoped would kill me altogether. I was broken down to my knees, then to my face on the ground, but the hole is still there, the ache is still painful, and I couldn’t find what was lost.

 

 All of this, the Journey to my past, happened starting last year at about this same time, and going until about October. It was something that I put a great deal of time into, putting my poor husband through a whole big mess of drama and emotion, and the sweet man that he is supportively stuck right by my side, thankfully. Also during this Journey I began to seek God out early in the morning, allowing Him to guide me through this jungle of woundedness.  I began this with a hope to find myself, the lost part of me that in its absence has left a huge hole in my heart, a void. But in the end I did not find what I had so hoped desperately to,  I feared that this was all for nothing,  All I did was just drag my heart through the mud all over again. But something did happen, something that could not be seen, and something that was far more important than finding what was lost.  I found God! Through each pain He listened to me and comforted me, and carried me through it, He led me to the next place and then again he listened, comforted and carried me.  My eyes were so fixed on me that I completely missed everything, I was being courted and romanced again by the Loving God that spoke to my heart that beautiful spring day when I was only ten years old. The God that saw my heart and approved it, And He is that same God that just held me in his Love as the storm rolled in.

 

Right now as I am writing this I am blown away because I think this is one of those moments that you are writing something as if you have always known it , but in fact you have never heard it at all. I think that I am just hearing this for the first time and it is literally taking my breath away.

 

I will have to write more another time, I think that I just need to sit with this a while.

 

~C