“I will bless the LORD at all times ; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul will make its boast in the LORD ; The humble will hear it and rejoice. O magnify the LORD with me, And let us exalt His name together! I sought the LORD, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces will never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him And saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them. O taste and see that the LORD is good ; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! O fear the LORD, you His saints ; For to those who fear Him there is no want.”

This summer it will be 3 years!

Three years ago I reached my breaking point, you that place where you reach the very end of your self and you realize that you have gained NOTHING!It’s where you take that honest look at yourself, and all that your life adds up to, and instead of adding up to something it just loops back around to the same place you have really always been, your whole life. Sure my circumstances look a little different, I was now married and had two children and a dog at the time. And yeah, along the way, through knowing  basic bible morality, I changed a few behaviors. I stopped the party lifestyle, I stopped cursing, I stopped listening to bad music, but underneath it all I was still the very same person. I had become a white washed tomb, I looked the part, different, new in fact, but there was still that same rotting corps with in the tomb.

I was still angry and bitter at so many people, so much hate. I still despised all authority in my life, especially men, they were foolish and I was all wisdom and understanding, so I thought. Fear enslaved me and I worshiped it by my constant worry, and doubt, meditating on it’s lies and proclaiming it’s authority in my life by” I can’t” or “I won’t”. The only truth i knew was no truth at all, for this truth did not set me free.

I remember that i was never sure of my salvation, every time the pastor would give the invitation, “sinners Prayer”, I would say it just in case, believing salvation was in those words. I was never sure because my thoughts did not match God’s thoughts, I did not desire to read the Word or do really anything with in it, so I couldn’t help but to wonder if I was missing something. Why does my life not match? I would wonder all to often.

You know sometimes i just need to look back and remember, to remember my Egypt from which i was rescued. The evil Egypt and it wicked ruler whom enslaved my soul to sin, tormenting me day and night with “your to much” yet “your not enough”. I need to remember how awful it was so I will not be deceived to  return there again. I need to remember my Savior and all of the many chains he has broken, from small to big, and how sweet this freedom is that I have been given. Even when I am struggling (like now) there is peace and assurance, Even when I hurt inside there is no sting, When sorrow comes I feel and all consuming Love.

What happened? What was it that changed, that took me from a white washed tomb, to abundant life, born again?

True Repentance happened!

I can NOT say that it was  anything of my doing,for it truly was not,  it is truly a gift that he keeps on giving. I can not change my heart, he alone has the power to soften a hard a heart.

One morning I woke up at like 5 am and could not sleep, it was another night of tormenting nightmares, so i decided to stay awake. I went into the living room to try and drown out the awful dream with worship music, hoping it would be the fix. Then this song started to play, and I was strangely drawn to it, it said:

Lord I know if I change my mind

You will change my heart in time

Sovereign Lord this times from you

So I sit in the waiting room of silence

Cause it’s all about you

Now I am fully hooked, it was like the Lord was speaking directly to me through this song, I did not feel alone.

I will run when i can not walk

I will sing when there is no song

I will pray when there is no prayer

I will listen when I can not hear

Sitting in the waiting room of silence

Waiting for that still soft voice I know

Offering my words up to the roof top to your heart

Trusting that this closet is where you are.

I will fight when i can not feel

I will trust when you don’t seem real

I will tell when i can not speak

I will step when i can not see

Everything with in that song was everything i have never done or known. I don’t know , something just snapped, I believe the Lord broke me. All the sudden it was like some one said that it was ok for me to do things outside of what i feel. The very first thing I heard was “read my word”, so here I am at 5am searching for a bible and then I came across the little black book. I opened it up and it was a devotional of just straight scripture, something to read for each day, called daily light. My Mom had given it to me 6 months earlier when she had come to visit. So I opened it up and started to read, it didn’t really mean anything to me, but I made a choice to do it any way. In fact that morning I made a choice to wake up early every day , no matter what, no matter how i feel and just read this little book, even if just for 5 min, and just TRUST. It started out as a dreaded thing and has become my desire, I look forward to that time every day. It started as just 5 min and has blossomed into 2 and 3 hours. There is this crazy hunger and thirst for God’s word that is deep with in me, and I can not get enough, I can not describe it any other way. It has become all consuming.

It went from have to , to GET TO!

So right now as I am listening to Shane Barnard, The waiting room, now in a new place with the Lord, I can say with full assurance and all confidence that i know these word s to be TRUE.

If you change your mind , Trusting in the Lord, he is faithful to change your heart, in time!

Heb 3:15

“Today, If you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”

Heb 4:11-13

“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.For the word of God is living and active, sharper that any two edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him whom we must give account.”

The power of God’s word lived out in a persons life is greater then anything I have ever experienced or witnessed.

James 1:22, 25

“But be doers of the word, and not hears only, deceiving yourselves.”

“The one who looks into the perfect Law, the Law of liberty, and preservers, being no hearer who forgets. But a doer who acts, he will be blessed his doing.”

And the blessing for me has been this:

He changed my heart, in time!

Out of the abundance of my heart my mouth speaks and my body moves! God is good , and I will continue to trust him even when I don’t feel like it, he is my Savior every day! Taste and see the goodness of the Lord!

~C

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Shane+Barnard/track/Waiting+Room