Psalms 90 :1-2

“Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations

Before the mountains were brought fourth, or ever you had

formed the  earth and world, from everlasting to everlasting

you are God.”

I really don’t think that I can bear to go through all the details again, so if you are reading this and have no clue what i am talking about, feel free to read my husbands blog (training for.. (I have a link to it)), in his last post he did a good job at the details of it all.

So today Cayla goes in for testing.

I have been in denial about the whole thing up until now, I think I am now starting to have trouble with it, reality is starting to sink in. I am struggling with the thought of a bunch of people I do not know, taking my baby girl away from me. I will not know what they will be doing to her, I can’t protect her, I can’t  keep her safe. I will have to trust strangers with the very life of my baby today, now in my mind i know that in all reality it will not be mear man that i will need to trust in today, but in an almighty loving creator God, but I can’t seem to escape this rising fear deep with in my heart.

Ever since she took her first breath on April 23 2004, i have labored to keep her safe. I have always been on guard of those in her life to make sure they are of no threat to her safety. Horrible things happened to me as a little girl growing up, so trust has been a life long battle for me, from the early age of 3 and 4 years old I became aware that this world is a dark place and I was not safe with in it. I  have seen and experienced some of the ugliest of this world, I never want my children to see or to know what i have seen and known. I have done everything with in my strength to keep my babies safe and to make sure they feel safe. But today I am forced to let it all go.

Not only will Cayla be taken from me but I will have to leave Cadence behind, it is times like these that I realize how worldly I still  am, how much I still trust in my own strength, and how much more I still have yet to hand over to the Lord. I know that this life in Christ Jesus is a lifelong process of SURRENDERING to him, EVERYTHING into his hands, this is the one thing that i do not want to surrender.

So today is and will be a great day of testing for me.

Since moving to Tennessee we have been living in constant testing, the Lord has been testing us on the same thing every time, TRUST. To trust him with our location (moving here) , with the family we have had to leave behind, with our friends, with finances, with provision, with Church, with our marriage. Now with most of those trust and surrender seemed to come a little sooner, I was able to let go of a little easier, now all of them were hard in it’s time of testing but i think you understand what I mean, some things are just harder then others.

To truly Trust someone is to entrust that which is MOST dear to you, into the hands of another, and for me it’s my kids. Now of course I will have to let Cayla go with these doctors, that will not be the test, the test will not be biased on what I physically let go of, what i choose to do with my hands and feet, but he will be testing my heart. He will search my heart and see if their  be any wicked way with in it, any evil unbelief.

it is times like these in where you truly see the split of heart and mind, and of spirit and flesh, my mind knows the righteous way to go, but my heart is  deceitful, my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. I know in my mind, that the same loving God who rescued me from the slavery of fear, and of sin and death, is the very same God who will be with my babies when i can not. I hope and pray that my heart will surrender to the Lord when I have to let her go. The Good Lord will do what he is going to do , with or with out me, the question is am I going to fight it and miss out on God’s great blessing of strengthened faith , or will I give it all to him, truly rest in him, trust in him and be blown away by his faithfulness?

Here I go…..

The mediation of my heart will be on Psalms 90:1-2, and all of Psalms 91, TODAY!

~C